Thank God

It was a false alarm…i took i test and it’s okay…i knew it was very little chance..but i had no chance against my paranoia…

It would have kinda ruined my life…i would have needed to give up my dreams… my chance to study medicine…

I feel silly…and a bit ashamed…but relieved

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Afraid!

I’m afraid i might be pregnant…it’s like impossible…because we used protection and we were very carefull…so it’s literally impossible…but my paranoia it’s killing me. I have irregular menstruation and instead of 28 days my cycle is 34…but now…it’s been 5 weeks..and i’m very late. And i’m so si afraid. I’m too young for this…i’m not emotionally prepared. Tomorrow i’ll buy a pregnancy test…

God help me.

Baby miracle

So today i was a photographer to a baby shower of my dad’s friends…it was so cute taking pictures of that little piece of sunshine! He has blue eyes and he seems to look just like his father. 

I just love kids so much…the whole pregnancy is a miracle…thinking that a life is growing inside you…a child is born…your child…blood from your blood. It’s just so awesome… They are so small and pure…they eyes are so innocent and they are soo cute. 

My favourite moment is when the kid is taking one of your finger in that little hand and they squeez it while looking in your eyes. *melting*

At the party…i just couldnt hold myself…i cried so much…cuz the parents looked so in love and very very happy and the god father and the god mother slow danced and they all hugged and i just died.

I know how much the parents wish for that child and the way they looked today made me sure of the fact that they will be a happy family. 
Just me being emotional…

Kitty ^_^

Worth of life

So here is this old friend named Ana and i kinda feel bad for her because she is so strong and beautiful but she doesn’t have any luck in love or anyting really and she feels so down…and i wish i could make her feel better…i wish i could give her some self esteem and some courage to live the life she has…cuz she’s so damn young and the world is so big and amazing and even if life is hard sometimes…it’s worth it if you find the happiness in the little things…

I used to be depressed and anxious and i cried all the time and hated life and had very very low self esteem…i tried to kill myself and all…but one day…i got better…i know my boyfriend helped me so much…and maybe love healed the wounds i kept in me…

My mom has a word ” Don’t take life too seriously…you’ll never get out  alive anyway” 

And it is kinda true…i mean…if i ever feel like life is no longer what i want and is not worth living…i’m gonna run away…and make all the things i never had courage to do…and just find the reason to live…

It’s such a silly thing to give up life…you must be a coward…

I’m glad i didn’t manage to kill myself.

Confused

I know i am an introvert person but still…i struggle to spend time with people. They always get me feeling tired and at some point i want to just run away from them and be alone. But the paradox is that i don’t like feeling lonely. It’s just that people suffocate me. 

That’s why i don’t have close friends…i can’t keep up with more than 1 friendship…it’s exhausting…

So that was the way i lived my life until now…socially awkward…staying away from people and at the same time crying because i’m not social and i don’t have friends…

Will i ever get over this?  I mean i don’t mind it right now..cuz  i have my boyfriend that is supportive and respects my space and knows how i feel and understands me…but honestly if i were him i wouldnt understant me. So i could just live my life with him and be okay i don’t need more interaction…but it still makes me feel like i have a problem..

I’m so confused…

Begining of a new chapter

Epic title..i know. 

But actually it’s accurate…i’m starting this “diary” because i just really need to write sometimes…i don’t write good as a book or something…it’s just me writing random things… And i realised that i’m 19 and a half…when i’ll be older…i’ll want to know how my life was…and what i thought at this time…

So for a short intro i’m 19 and a half years old…i just finished my high school and i tried to get into military medicine university and i failed…so i’m taking a year to learn and prepare myself for the admission.

English is not my language…i don’t even know that much…but i’m okay i guess…

This was the first day i started to prepare again…i went to the gym with my dad (he’s my best friend). It was the first time i ever walked into a gym and it was so soo awesome…i’m so excited! Tomorrow i’ll do a bit of  cardio and i’ll learn a bit of my admission book ( antomy) 

Today was a good day 🙂

So yeah…that’s it for today.