Hope

No one got where they are today without work…this is my lesson…i need to learn that without working a bit and keeping my priorities straight i cannot reach where i want to. Life is hard and we must fight for what we want. And i know later when we reach our dreams we will be proud and will apreciate it more because we worked so hard for it. 

I’m only 19…i need to sometimes forgive myself for the mistakes i do and constantly remind myself i have a dream and i need to fight for it. It’s hard after i lived in the world of highschool and where i had no real responsabilities to face the real life…and to actually work for my dream and future…

It’s very hard to see all my ex classmates in the university and not to feel bad…

But this year will pass..i will work hard and eventually i’ll be better.

“So will I.”

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Missing

​I long for colured morning sky…the smell after a summer rain…seeing the sky full of stars…breathing in he montain air while hearing the river flow sound and the wind through the trees… i miss wearing just a fee clothes…and feeling the sun embrace me and warming my skin…

I really live for the sun…and the warm weather…

These days i feel suffocated…and sad…

I want my summer paradise back…

Dream big

I really really want to go to medicine university…but i’m scared i’m not good enough…not smart enough…

It’s not enough just to like biology and to want to do good to people…

Being a doctor requires some kind of inteligence…and some skills…and i’m afraid i don’t have the capacity…that j’m not able to do it…and i won’t make it…and even if i do make into the uni…will i be able to finish it? Can i study that much? Am i able to become a doctor…

These are all questions that hurt my heart and poison my mind…i know i should just work hard…and keep my dream…and don’t give up…and just have faith…

But…i’m afraid…i’m afraid of loosing…i lost this year…and i feel such a looser…looking at my ex classmates…they all got into university…and i’m just staying home…and preparing like a fool….

I feel weak…and afraid…and lost…and nothing can confort me…

I need a cup of courage…someone? 😦

Habits

I need to sleep less…and eat healthier…and do more work…and sleep earlier…and i just lack the motivation

Somehow i am so weak…i choose to sleep more…and procrastinate doing my work so much…i HATE myself so much….why am i so weak…

I just need to get my shit together…

I will start on monday…because i really can’t tomorrow…but i will. 

I will keep you updated on my progress…

I’m gonna make my habit…and i’m gonna be what i want to be!

I have to change…and i will….i will…

Want

I want a cat so so bad…they are my favourite animal…i love dogs too…but since i was born…i had cats all the time…and now i miss having one…

I love how cats come to you and ask for affection…i love that they are so sleepy and cute…they play and give you energy somehow…and when you work or study they will sleep beside you and you will never feel alone…

They are so fluffy and they purr…and they show you affection too…

Cats are great….i miss having a cat…

Now i can’t because i live in the house with my aunt uncle and …my niece…and she’s just 3 years old…and she wouldn’t know how to play with it and would hurt it…

Writing this made me think of that little song…

“Soft kitty ,warm kitty, little ball of furr

happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr”

With love

Kitty

Insomnia

I think i always struggled with insomnia…i took pills…i drink tea…i took a bath..i did every advice ever…and even when i was little i still had sleep problems…it’s wierd…

I wish i could just sit in bed and fall asleep in 5 minutes…

This sleep problems affect my entire life i swear…cuz i always feel a bit tired…in the morning i want to kill everybody just so i can get a little more sleep…and at night i just lay in bed for like an hour or more…and i feel like i’m loosing time…

It’s this feeling…i’m too tired to read or do anything productive but i just have problems falling asleep…

I just want to have a better sleep pattern and all…

Autumn feel

I like to be cozy and just stay in bed and drink coffee or tea and watch some movies…or read a good book….but i can’t really relax enough to do this…it’s like i’m always stressed…

And i like rain…but summer rain when it’s warm and i can dance and jump in water on the road…

Autumn in kinda giving me a depressed feeling…it’s getting colder and colder and this is the time my boyfriend goes to university…and i just feel alone..and the weather is not helping.

I was never a big fan of thick clothes and gloves and hats…and stuff like that…

The best part about autumn is the colours of the trees..and there are some sunny days too…

Good night

Kitty