Hard time

Soo…it’s been a pretty hard time for me…

My workout is weak and i get muscle pain and it gets so frustrating

And recently i found out that the military admission test has changed and i have to run 2 kilometers in 9 minute and a half…i can’t even run them in 10 minutes how it was before it changed….all i can do right now is 12 minutes…

I feel so down…in april i will have the admission and in still can’t run that fast…

I fell like i will never make it…

I know i have to stay strong and work more and more….but everyday i feel more close to the exam and i feel more and more unprepared….

I need to believe in myself but i just can’t right now….

I’m scared…and it’s just so hard…the training and learning and the routine….and i feel alone …because even though i have people around me…i feel they don’t really know my pain…

It’s so much pressure upom me because all my future depends on how i do now…and it just scares me…

I want to be a kid again and not have to think about future…why did i had to grow up ??  I was just fine as a kid…

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I love him

​I love him…

I love him when he’s talking about something passionate…i love him when he’s greeting everyone just like a little retarded….i love how silly he is sometimes…i love when he sings because even if he doesn’t have a good voice he feels it so much and he’s making me feel it too 

I love that if i touch him while sleeping…he would grab me…and hold me…

I love when he’s asleep…i love to watch him sleeping like
that…quiet…peacefully…i feel protected…i actually feel
we’re protected…just like we’re the only people in the entire world….just us…just him breathing slowly…sleeping peacefully…i feel like crying when i watch him like this…because he’s just so perfect for me…and i love him so so much…and i could not imagine my life without him…

I love how he acts like a little child when he needs affection and i don’t really give him enough…
I love how he knows me so well he actually understands how i feel and think….better that i will ever be able to understand myself…
I love him when he’s like “meeeh”….cuz he’s so cute…
I love how he accept me just the way i am…and i love how he encourage me to do things and to develop myself more and more…
He’s the reason i’m here today….because he’s the person that changed the way i feel about myself…he changed the way i feel about life…
He just taught me how to love myself…how to be stronger…how to never ever give up….how to believe in myself…and to actually enjoy and love life…
He’s the miracle to my life…and i love him ♡

Smoke

I always hated people smoking…it’s such a bad habit…it gets your breathing smelly and damages your teeths..and hurts your lungs…and just no happy side of this…

My whole family is smoking….so i’m used to it…but even so i choke while breathing beside them while they smoke

Anyway…to get to my point…i just turned 18 when i first smoked…and i loved the feeling i got…i felt like a grown up…i felt dizzy like when you drink too much…and then…i felt calm…it’s strange how i never thought a simple cigar will make you feel so good and calm…i just loved the feeling…

So i smoked about a month…and only like 3 packs of them…because my lungs felt sick…started coughing..and i was afraid…

Now…these days…i’m missing the feeling smoking gave me… I mean…i still hate the concept because i know how bad it is for the health…but still…i really miss smoking..just one cigar..

Don.t be afraid. I promise my boyfriend i won.t smoke again…it.s just that i miss the dizziness and the calm feeling…

Dream big

I really really want to go to medicine university…but i’m scared i’m not good enough…not smart enough…

It’s not enough just to like biology and to want to do good to people…

Being a doctor requires some kind of inteligence…and some skills…and i’m afraid i don’t have the capacity…that j’m not able to do it…and i won’t make it…and even if i do make into the uni…will i be able to finish it? Can i study that much? Am i able to become a doctor…

These are all questions that hurt my heart and poison my mind…i know i should just work hard…and keep my dream…and don’t give up…and just have faith…

But…i’m afraid…i’m afraid of loosing…i lost this year…and i feel such a looser…looking at my ex classmates…they all got into university…and i’m just staying home…and preparing like a fool….

I feel weak…and afraid…and lost…and nothing can confort me…

I need a cup of courage…someone? 😦

Insomnia

I think i always struggled with insomnia…i took pills…i drink tea…i took a bath..i did every advice ever…and even when i was little i still had sleep problems…it’s wierd…

I wish i could just sit in bed and fall asleep in 5 minutes…

This sleep problems affect my entire life i swear…cuz i always feel a bit tired…in the morning i want to kill everybody just so i can get a little more sleep…and at night i just lay in bed for like an hour or more…and i feel like i’m loosing time…

It’s this feeling…i’m too tired to read or do anything productive but i just have problems falling asleep…

I just want to have a better sleep pattern and all…

Autumn feel

I like to be cozy and just stay in bed and drink coffee or tea and watch some movies…or read a good book….but i can’t really relax enough to do this…it’s like i’m always stressed…

And i like rain…but summer rain when it’s warm and i can dance and jump in water on the road…

Autumn in kinda giving me a depressed feeling…it’s getting colder and colder and this is the time my boyfriend goes to university…and i just feel alone..and the weather is not helping.

I was never a big fan of thick clothes and gloves and hats…and stuff like that…

The best part about autumn is the colours of the trees..and there are some sunny days too…

Good night

Kitty