Birthday 

So yesterday it was my birthday. 

20 years…I can’t really believe this…I still feel like I’m 16…

Anyway my dad and my boyfriend prepared with the NGO i run a surprise party and it was very awesome and I had such a great time!

I feel better as i recieved lots of love and everyone who wrote me happy bday wished me luck to fulfill my dreams ^_^

I had this disscution with my dad a few days ago and he explained to me that I tend to see only in the future…where i want to be and how long i have to go to reach it…and I forget the past…and forget where I was and where I am now…all the progress and the work i put in all i’ve done…

And he’s right…i only prepared seriously for like 3  and a half months and i still have 3 and a half months to go…so i’m still halfway to my journey and I’ve come this far…and I will manage to do so much more 🙂

My dad is my hero really…I’m so lucky he is alive and here with me ♡

And after all…i’m only 20…I have all my life ahead…if medschool isn’t for me…I’ll find something to do with my life… but until that…i have to have hope and to work hard 🙂

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Hard time

Soo…it’s been a pretty hard time for me…

My workout is weak and i get muscle pain and it gets so frustrating

And recently i found out that the military admission test has changed and i have to run 2 kilometers in 9 minute and a half…i can’t even run them in 10 minutes how it was before it changed….all i can do right now is 12 minutes…

I feel so down…in april i will have the admission and in still can’t run that fast…

I fell like i will never make it…

I know i have to stay strong and work more and more….but everyday i feel more close to the exam and i feel more and more unprepared….

I need to believe in myself but i just can’t right now….

I’m scared…and it’s just so hard…the training and learning and the routine….and i feel alone …because even though i have people around me…i feel they don’t really know my pain…

It’s so much pressure upom me because all my future depends on how i do now…and it just scares me…

I want to be a kid again and not have to think about future…why did i had to grow up ??  I was just fine as a kid…

Missing

​I long for colured morning sky…the smell after a summer rain…seeing the sky full of stars…breathing in he montain air while hearing the river flow sound and the wind through the trees… i miss wearing just a fee clothes…and feeling the sun embrace me and warming my skin…

I really live for the sun…and the warm weather…

These days i feel suffocated…and sad…

I want my summer paradise back…

Habits

I need to sleep less…and eat healthier…and do more work…and sleep earlier…and i just lack the motivation

Somehow i am so weak…i choose to sleep more…and procrastinate doing my work so much…i HATE myself so much….why am i so weak…

I just need to get my shit together…

I will start on monday…because i really can’t tomorrow…but i will. 

I will keep you updated on my progress…

I’m gonna make my habit…and i’m gonna be what i want to be!

I have to change…and i will….i will…