Hard time

Soo…it’s been a pretty hard time for me…

My workout is weak and i get muscle pain and it gets so frustrating

And recently i found out that the military admission test has changed and i have to run 2 kilometers in 9 minute and a half…i can’t even run them in 10 minutes how it was before it changed….all i can do right now is 12 minutes…

I feel so down…in april i will have the admission and in still can’t run that fast…

I fell like i will never make it…

I know i have to stay strong and work more and more….but everyday i feel more close to the exam and i feel more and more unprepared….

I need to believe in myself but i just can’t right now….

I’m scared…and it’s just so hard…the training and learning and the routine….and i feel alone …because even though i have people around me…i feel they don’t really know my pain…

It’s so much pressure upom me because all my future depends on how i do now…and it just scares me…

I want to be a kid again and not have to think about future…why did i had to grow up ??  I was just fine as a kid…

Advertisements

Missing

​I long for colured morning sky…the smell after a summer rain…seeing the sky full of stars…breathing in he montain air while hearing the river flow sound and the wind through the trees… i miss wearing just a fee clothes…and feeling the sun embrace me and warming my skin…

I really live for the sun…and the warm weather…

These days i feel suffocated…and sad…

I want my summer paradise back…

Dream big

I really really want to go to medicine university…but i’m scared i’m not good enough…not smart enough…

It’s not enough just to like biology and to want to do good to people…

Being a doctor requires some kind of inteligence…and some skills…and i’m afraid i don’t have the capacity…that j’m not able to do it…and i won’t make it…and even if i do make into the uni…will i be able to finish it? Can i study that much? Am i able to become a doctor…

These are all questions that hurt my heart and poison my mind…i know i should just work hard…and keep my dream…and don’t give up…and just have faith…

But…i’m afraid…i’m afraid of loosing…i lost this year…and i feel such a looser…looking at my ex classmates…they all got into university…and i’m just staying home…and preparing like a fool….

I feel weak…and afraid…and lost…and nothing can confort me…

I need a cup of courage…someone? 😦

Insomnia

I think i always struggled with insomnia…i took pills…i drink tea…i took a bath..i did every advice ever…and even when i was little i still had sleep problems…it’s wierd…

I wish i could just sit in bed and fall asleep in 5 minutes…

This sleep problems affect my entire life i swear…cuz i always feel a bit tired…in the morning i want to kill everybody just so i can get a little more sleep…and at night i just lay in bed for like an hour or more…and i feel like i’m loosing time…

It’s this feeling…i’m too tired to read or do anything productive but i just have problems falling asleep…

I just want to have a better sleep pattern and all…