Hard time

Soo…it’s been a pretty hard time for me…

My workout is weak and i get muscle pain and it gets so frustrating

And recently i found out that the military admission test has changed and i have to run 2 kilometers in 9 minute and a half…i can’t even run them in 10 minutes how it was before it changed….all i can do right now is 12 minutes…

I feel so down…in april i will have the admission and in still can’t run that fast…

I fell like i will never make it…

I know i have to stay strong and work more and more….but everyday i feel more close to the exam and i feel more and more unprepared….

I need to believe in myself but i just can’t right now….

I’m scared…and it’s just so hard…the training and learning and the routine….and i feel alone …because even though i have people around me…i feel they don’t really know my pain…

It’s so much pressure upom me because all my future depends on how i do now…and it just scares me…

I want to be a kid again and not have to think about future…why did i had to grow up ??  I was just fine as a kid…

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Grown up already?

I wonder how was it for other people to realise they are grown ups 

I mean…for me it was and still is a shock…all my life i was a kid…and suddenly i had some exams got out of school and now i have to face life like i have been prepared for this…but they never prepared me for anything. We were always told we are kids…we know nothing…we are immature…we can’t know whats good and bad and can’t make decisions… and then suddenly they kick us out of the school and tell us we’re grown ups now and have to make decisions on our own….

We are told to shut up and sit down for 12 years…and after that one day we are thrown into the world to stand up life…

How is this right? How am i supposed to know what life is and how to manage it… Suddenly we are given “freedom” and responsabilities and i swear i don’t know what to do with them.

I hate this system so sooo much.

I mean…i learned a lot in school…i always had good grades…i was a quiet “well raised” kid…and did my job as a student…

But after 12 years of school…i learned nothing…in a couple of months i forgot most of the information they teached me….it was all useless…i will never use that complicated math again…and if i need informations i will always google it….

So what is school? As i didn.t learn anything about life…i just learned informations i already forgot…

And at the end of the road…i am stitting here confused about life…about choices…about everyting because all my life i was thought to do some things and now all of a sudden i have to do exactly the opposite…

And i’m wondering…am i the only one that feels this way? 

Dream big

I really really want to go to medicine university…but i’m scared i’m not good enough…not smart enough…

It’s not enough just to like biology and to want to do good to people…

Being a doctor requires some kind of inteligence…and some skills…and i’m afraid i don’t have the capacity…that j’m not able to do it…and i won’t make it…and even if i do make into the uni…will i be able to finish it? Can i study that much? Am i able to become a doctor…

These are all questions that hurt my heart and poison my mind…i know i should just work hard…and keep my dream…and don’t give up…and just have faith…

But…i’m afraid…i’m afraid of loosing…i lost this year…and i feel such a looser…looking at my ex classmates…they all got into university…and i’m just staying home…and preparing like a fool….

I feel weak…and afraid…and lost…and nothing can confort me…

I need a cup of courage…someone? 😦